I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Randomize
