take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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