dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
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