God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
