he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
