Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
