hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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