Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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