If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
