I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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