Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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