I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
