I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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