I only kidnapped one of them. chill
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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