I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
