I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
