quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
