GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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