I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
