I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
