I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
