I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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