I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
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