my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
