I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
