i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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