using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
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