Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
