when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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