Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
