she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
