I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
