I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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