just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
