Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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