I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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