Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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