8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
