Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
