Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
