I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
