Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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