My girlfriend figured out who you are.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Who died my cat blue again?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
