In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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