I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
