I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Randomize
