I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
