Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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