They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
