I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
