seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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