im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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