they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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