whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
